Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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