um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
