My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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