my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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