he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
