the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
