Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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