mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
