i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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