My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Blood and glitter go together right?
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
