I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
