At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
