If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I met the friendliest cop last night
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
