So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
