I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Randomize
