I showed him my bush... on skype.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
