i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
