I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
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