I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
oh god the rape fog is back!
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
