I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
