the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
