Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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