Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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