Taylor Swift is so right about you.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Randomize
