Reggie can tackle my bush.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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