New invention idea: vibrating tampons
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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