My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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