Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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