Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
