I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
