i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
