So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
