apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Randomize
