She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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