can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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