Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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