guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
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