Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
