and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Randomize
