I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
