I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Randomize
