so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
