Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
