I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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