im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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