Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
