Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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