What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
