I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Randomize
