How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Randomize
