I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Best friends brother. Beat that.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
