giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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