You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
