Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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