Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
We left the knife in your bed.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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