I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
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