We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I could make wine with my vomit
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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